God is Still Working!

[Thrice Blessed]

Wow. God is so awesome. This week has brought so much joy my way. I don't think I EVER felt joy like this before. My Christian walk was sidetracked so early on... I had only been a Christian for a few months at most when the tragic event I blogged about before happened. I hadn't really had a chance to develop a solid walk. I don't say that as an excuse, I am done making excuses, but its just a fact that I was still getting over a lot at that time, and hadn't really started to walk with consistency. I was still weak, and Satan took advantage of that. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying, "The devil made me do it." Satan doesn't make a Christian do anything, but he does try to trip us up with lies, temptations, and deception.

Anyway, I am not trying to justify my sin, I am talking about the fact that I was such an immature Christian, still so new to the faith, that I wasn't grounded in the word, wasn't strong at all (obviously). I also was not walking with any kind of consistent joy, still experiencing frequent times of doubt about God's forgiveness. I was saved, but I had a weak, shaky faith.

So what I am experiencing now is something new. I have NEVER known such a feeling of utter forgiveness and joy, and I have never been so grateful before.

I feel like hugging everyone! I mean, when I go to church and I see these people who have put up with me all these years... I just feel like running up and thanking them for everything they've ever done for me.

Some have put up with some pretty strange shenanigans from me during the times when I was walking in my flesh. At times some of them have let me know, so gently, that they sensed that something was wrong... but they didn't know what it was. It was clear to those regular "core" members of the church that something about my walk just didn't seem genuine. Yet they have always been there for me. Always been forgiving, accepting, and loving. I feel like calling all of them and telling them what a blessing they are.

I am determined now to be real before God from here on out. I refuse to give Satan a foothold. If I have a doubt, I will confess it to God and ask for help with it. If I am struggling, I will seek counsel. If I catch myself doing something for the eyes of people, rather than out of an honest desire to serve and obey God, I will stop what I am doing and repent. At least, I will do my best, and pray to God to help me!

During these 20 years of self delusion... God has always been there for me. The offer of forgiveness was always there if I would accept it. I didn't need to deny Him and claim to not have been a Christian at the time. I just needed to confess my sin and do what I could do to set things right. I new start could have been mine at any point, if I would just have repented from the heart and been willing to face up to the consequences of my actions. Instead I went in circles in the wilderness for 20 years. Oh well, I can't get those 20 years back, and God did use them to teach me a lot of valuable lessons. What I want to be sure of is that I don't lose any more time. I want the remainder of my days, how ever long they may be, to be dedicated to the Lord and His purposes. I want every day, every moment, to belong to Him. I want to let Him use me, use my life, for whatever He wants!

I have a real burden on my heart for all of those people out there who, like me, think they've gone too far, those who think there is no redemption for them. Whether they be in the church while dying inside like I was, or whether they be outside having never known Him at all... it breaks my heart that they should stay as they are when there is an offer of real redemption and real joy available to them.

I don't know what direction God will go with all this, but I feel that He must have something in mind. Whatever it is, I want it to glorify Him, not me. My eyes have been too much on myself and too little on Him for all these years. I pray that He won't let me fall into that trap ever again.

Another thing I've noticed. These past few days, if I don't get into the word and spend time in prayer... I just don't feel right! I mean so far in my Christian walk, I've had times when I was into the word regularly and times when I wasn't. Times when I was in prayer regularly and times when I wasn't. But then, when I was in the word regularly it because I would write it on a schedule and check it off. The same with prayer. It was because I made up my mind to make myself do it. I was blessed by those times, I enjoyed them and got fed from them most of the time, but you know... if I forgot it I really didn't notice. Now, I get an uneasy feeling in my heart... I feel... like I am missing something vital, like my air supply has been cut off. I feel thirsty for His word and lonely for time in His presence. I still have that joy, like being newly in love, but I long for the One I love. That internal feeling drives me to prayer. Its not just a task on a list of other tasks... it seems like I'll die without it.

This is amazing. I've never felt like this. I love Him so much! I am so grateful to Him for saving me initially, and then also for staying with me all these years, and finally for restoring me to a right relationship with Him. All I want to do is worship and pray. The other things I have to do seem like interruptions to my time with Him, instead of me viewing my quiet time as an interruption to my other tasks!

Well, now I'm rambling. I am just so overwhelmed with His love! I can't believe I spent so long separated from Him!